Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

The only equipped I am is ill.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.