Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

here we go again

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.