Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

that de-escalated quickly

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one