Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.

❒Single

❒Taken

✔ This claim is disputed!

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

no their not

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Go hard or stay average

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey

Don’t u mean sorrows?

Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank

me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear