[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
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me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
The Weeknd is back
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’m being attacked 😭
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE