Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.

I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.

this is a sign that you need a union

Saturday

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

The cycle continues

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training

ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”

DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well

ME: thanks tell my wife I love her