Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

my brain: i hate that person

that person: hey that thing you wrote was great

my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities

Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

My spirit animal is fried chicken

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.