Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper

if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie

Me: goodnight son I love you.

3yo:

Me: I said I love you.

3yo: I love milk.

Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.