[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
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*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.