Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

😏😏😏

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

Best misinterpreted text ever!

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs