Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?

CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

god: u can eat things twice ur size

snake: ok but how

god: go like 😮

snake:

god: then u just kinda :O

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.

ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.

FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you

ME: What?

FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?