[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
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A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
