Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

olive garden host: welcome to ol-

me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

me as a parent

Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”

[1776]
America: We want the British out

[1931]
Australia: We want the British out

[1947]
India: We want the British out

[2020]
Britain: We want the British out

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman