Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

“I think I have Ebola.”

“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”

Him: Toast me some bread please?

Me *raising wine glass

Here’s to bread!

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.

In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U