“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
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You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.
*shots fired in the club over the last slice of pizza*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”
*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?