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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
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I just find it funny how Nick Jonas can literally read my sign I made for him in 2008 in Newcastle saying I had the love bug for him and still get married to that girl. Men are something else
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.