@squirrel74wkgn

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

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@Kyle_Lippert

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

@ConanOBrien

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

@BriarSlyMadness

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

@thejessbess

I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.

@TheCiscoKidder

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

@ayisi_yaw

#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married

@misfarber

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

@natechartier1

*creating garbage cans*
God: “That’s where trash goes”

*creating my twitter*
God: “That’s where trash comes from”

@Chhapiness

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?