[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.