*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
You Might Also Like
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw