*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you