[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.