Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”

Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.

Me: So you’re like, standing?

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*