Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

Still cracks me up

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up