Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl

I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.

Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Paramedic: What happened?

Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.

Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.