[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
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I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
This story is comedy gold 😂
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
much to think about
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.