Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is this a threat?

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

I think they could have phrased this better

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

LMAO.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.

Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times

Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work