Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.

~Australian drivers, apparently.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

[Family BBQ]

Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!

Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

Spider-cat: No One Home