Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.

the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”