At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
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When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.