At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
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It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then please
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing