At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
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People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Windows
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…