At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
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I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
*lost my marbles*
Weighs myself
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I just stopped by to water my horse.