At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
You Might Also Like
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Dishonest mechanic?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.