Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?

8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?

me:

The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!

8-12yo’s apparently

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

LA today:

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead

-a valentine from the Predator

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.