[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
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A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
These are too funny not to post 😂
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.