Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

Too easy.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

peak technology

[Wizard of Oz characters Now]

Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa

Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.