[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

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Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.


Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.


DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]


The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.


HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers


Justin Beiber has 23 million followers and I just got unfollowed by a horse magazine.


Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.


[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”


Imagine how much fatter we’d all be if they made snack bags less noisy so we could finally snack in peace