[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.