Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.

A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FyKoDSNWwAMlWHA.mp4

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence

Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years

5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids

Me: it’ll be me

5yo: eh, probably not