Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that

*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.