[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.