[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then