[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
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Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out