Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t touch that.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

🐴

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.