Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot

GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH

W: Again no

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Story of my life…..

Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it