Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that

waiter: uhhh you want fries with that

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

Boss: Did you have anything to add?

Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.

Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?