Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years

me: you want to lose your mind?

BM: yes

me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children

BM: right

me: ah, I see the difficulty

[son falls over & hurts himself]

ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC

WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?

ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.