At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
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The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Thursday
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Guys, I found it.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?