Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions

I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”

“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”

-Me, as a therapist.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

repaired

what do you want

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.

I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.