At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Knock Knock
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*