[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Can’t, holding a grudge
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
(yawn)