Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself