[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
WTF
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.