Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.