[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
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why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college