Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

*gestures to my unmown yard*

“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”

*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*

“This, too, is for the pollinators.”

*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”

“Pollinators.”

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool