Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

cow: I hate when you boss me around

farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?

cow: you herd me

My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…

I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

[in the bedroom]

Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*

Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night