Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”

“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”

Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Them: You seem nice.

Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months