*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
You Might Also Like
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.