[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
You Might Also Like
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
SPLOOT
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder