[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
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me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Don’t forget to tip your server
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!