Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?

Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*

Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.

Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?

Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:

Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.