At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
