At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
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Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Brilliant!
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby