Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat

Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.

Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

my love language is being sent money

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

🐥🐣