[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
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can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
A devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they’re both equally responsible for me failing my maneuverability test
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
happy mother’s day❤️
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
When your man makes a valid point
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?