[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
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God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out