[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
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[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
this site is so cooked lol
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.