Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.

Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

My therapist after every session

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.

Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name