Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

[new coffee shop]

DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!

DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!

DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Pass gas, not judgment.

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…

1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me

6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week

Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it

6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.

Me:… sweet

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?