Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

For anyone who needs this today

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?

A spook-easy.

#dadjokes

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.

6yo: what do old people eat?

me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.

6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.