Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

This was my dad’s browser history.

You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?