*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
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The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
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Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
#StillHurts
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Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
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