Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here