Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was

Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

Good boy 😂😂

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant