Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

this is funnier than any friends episode

Every time my phone rings

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

Brilliant!

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.