[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Never be a pizza!
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.