*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
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My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
I have a type: disappointing
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?