*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
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Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*